PALO ALTO —Facebook, the largest online social network on earth, announced at a press conference Friday that it will lay off 50 employees by the end of the month. Web 2.0 pundits were shocked to learn the company actually had employees to let go.
“Yeah, there was an actual office and everything,” said Roland Shipley, a former member of Facebook’s inexplicable workforce. He also claimed to have personally seen hundreds of other Facebook employees during his tenure, and to have received regular paychecks, although he could not produce one friend, Facebook or real, to back up his claim.
Founded in 2004 by Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook grew exponentially in online presence and workforce size despite the fact that nobody has the slightest clue how it makes money. During the early days, Zuckerberg says he was constantly being poked by some guy named Madoff. Some of the personnel cut included staff from sales, marketing and finance—although observers point out it may be more than coincidence that they’re all named “Smith.” “Users don’t notice online advertising anymore, not even for Obama plates,” said Michael Calore of Wired. “I suppose they could start charging people to join, but who would pay money to learn that some guy they barely know just went to the grocery store? Excuse me, I just got tweeted.”
When asked about the long-term viability of the company, Zuckerberg said, “Users depend on Facebook as an integral part of their daily lives. Without Facebook, how could you find out what their friends are doing? How would you invite them to parties or tell them how awesome they are? You think people could play a game like Scrabulous in real life? Impossible.”