NEW YORK–Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, bought out Wyeth yesterday in a $68-billion deal completed in the parking lot of a Brooklyn Wendy’s.
“Yeah, the stuff’s good,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler after examining Wyeth’s assets and drug lineup.
Wendy’s security footage indicates that Pfizer representatives completed the transaction at 2:30 a.m. in the back of a Dodge Minivan. The broker of the deal, whom both parties would only refer to as their “hookup,” drove away with a paper bag full of cash and stock certificates. Kindler, meanwhile, looked around him before walking nonchalantly back to his car, slipping a plastic baggie containing the Wyeth deed of ownership into the pocket of his black hoodie.
Pfizer expects the purchase to fill revenue voids in the vaccine and recreational markets. “Buying Wyeth allows us to diversify our brand, meaning there will be a Pfizer drug in every CVS, Walgreens, and poorly lit alleyway in the country,” said a Pfizer spokesman.
Not everyone is excited about the deal, however. “Can’t someone do something about this?” said Gus Kovaris, who lives near the Wendy’s. “I lived here all my life. This used to be a quiet neighborhood. Now we’ve got mergers and hostile takeovers every week. Some poor guy’s going to get laid off here one of these days.”
When asked if Pfizer was planning any other mergers, Kindler shook his head. “My hookup’s completely dry. He said try again next fiscal year.”