WASHINGTON, DC — After imposing a $500,000 pay cap on some senior executives whose firms receive government financial rescue money, President Barack Obama admitted that this punishment may not be strong enough to change their ways and hinted that more severe punishments may be considered. An unnamed source inside the White House whose name rhymes with “pillory” and is known to be an expert on the use of cruel and unusual punishments to get her his or her way has leaked the following list of “CEO Convincers” awaiting the president’s signature:
- Sit in a dunk tank with basketballs being thrown from three feet away by foreclosed mortgagers.
- Enter the Witness Protection Program and have your new identity be Bernie Madoff.
- Walk a plank attached to a corporate yacht sitting in a naval scrap yard.
- Hang for 24 hours from manacles forged to look like Rolex watches.
- Spend twelve hours flying in a corporate jet with a screaming baby.
- Swirlie in a $35,000 toilet.
- One hour in an iron maiden with the spikes replaced with Mont Blanc pens.
- Hanging wedgie from the horn of the bull statue on Wall Street.
- Wine-boarding, starting with the oldest bottles from his personal wine cellar.
- Trophy wife replaced by first wife.