BALTIMORE, MD – Shortly after Michael Phelps (motto: “Quit calling me a fish out of water”) was suspended for three months by USA Swimming (motto: “Like the Olympic Committee only with more affordable bribes”), all of his major sponsors announced they are dropping him for Tommy Chong (motto: “Huh?”).
“We decided that, if we’re going to go with a dope smoker, we might as well go with the best,” said Kellogg’s spokesperson Anthony Tigre. “Bill Clinton wanted the job, but he hasn’t eaten cereal since Hooters started serving breakfast.”
Chong, best known as the taller, slower half of the dope-smoking comedy team of Cheech and Chong, has never been known as a athlete. “I disagree,” said Tigre. “We watched “Up In Smoke” and Chong exhibited a much greater lung capacity than Phelps when comparing doobies to bongs.”
Joining Kellogg’s in dumping Phelps for Chong is the swimwear manufacturer Speedo. “We’ve already contacted our sweat … I mean plant in Manila,” said Speedo spokesperson Barry Cheeks. “They’re changing the labels on the Phelps swimsuit to read ‘Chong Thong’.”
Omega held a board meeting before replacing Phelps with Chong as its official timepiece endorser. “A couple of board members wanted Harold and Kumar,” said Omega spokesperson Claire “Don’t Call Me ‘Big’” Hand. “Unfortunately, their manager informed us that it’s his job to tell them the time.”
Phelps is refereeing all calls to his mother, was busy calling all of her own sponsors to assure them that she has a glass of wine with dinner but that’s all. Tommy Chong is currently on a reunion tour with Cheech Marin and could not be reached for comment because he had no idea where he was.